BOYS AND GIRLS OF EVERY AGE
[SMASHES THROUGH YOUR WINDOW]
WOULDN’T YOU LIKE TO SEE SOMETHING STRANGE
[PUNCHES A WALL]
COME WITH US AND YOU WILL SEE
[BREAKS ALL OF YOUR ANTIQUE PHOTOS]
THIS OUR TOWN OF HALLOWEEN
to make it through a lonely night
with nothing but
your self destructive thoughts
to keep you company,
darling, you have
the courage to make it through
and forgot to clean up the mess before you came home.
You don’t say anything about the ghosts in the
corner of the room or the tree branches I hang
like a chandelier over my bed to remind me
that I am not the only one who has lost parts of herself.
If there is another name for being loved like this
then I haven’t learned it yet.
If there is another name for being forgiven like this,
then it must be yours.
This isn’t supposed to be an apology,
but I am sorry most days anyway.
Sorry about the holes in my bones.
Sorry about the guns I keep loaded,
just in case something haunted still lives in a closet somewhere.
Sorry about the well I almost drowned in,
Sorry I’m always chasing dreams down the wrong rabbit holes.
Sorry I keep shrinking myself down.
If there is something else you wanted to hear from me,
then I am sorry about that, too.
I am constantly making apologies,
but you’re never one of them.
What I mean to say,
is I love you even on the days
I don’t know what love is.
Even on the days I am sure
it doesn’t belong with me.
2. If there is a word for this, then you want it buried somewhere that’s not inside of you. You want your own name back without this diagnosis attached to it.
3. The mornings are not forgiving. The sunrises are fires you want to put out. You don’t know how it got like this.
4. The world is an ocean and you swallow it. The world is an ocean and you refuse to drown.
5. Everything is made of smoke, and everything is disappearing. You are still here.
6. As long as you are still here, you are healing. As long as you’re healing, you are winning.
7. Let this destruction become creation. Let this tragedy turn into labor. Into hard work for something, anything, better.
8. Nothing is made out of smoke, and nothing is disappearing. You are still here.
9. Today, the white in these sheets means the enemy has surrendered. Today, the white in these sheets means you have yourself back.
10. For the first time, the ringing in your chest is not a siren. Not a warning that something bad is coming.
11. You have heard what they said about monsters, but all they know about monsters is what they are supposed to look like. But more often than not, the heroes have fangs. The heroes have claws. It’s how they climbed out of the darkness.
12. It’s okay if you have fangs. It’s okay if you have claws.
13. You are the bravest hero I know for fighting this. Even when you don’t feel like you’re saving anyone, let alone yourself.
14. This sadness is a language you will forget all the words to.
15. You will learn better ones. You will not be scared of your own voice anymore.
Depression is so isolating bc you don’t want to be a bother to anyone so you start doing really passive aggressive things to try and reach out, which makes you feel even worse so you end up quietly weeping in the bathroom and when someone knocks on the door you immediately hide yr face and clear yr throat and say “oh yeah, I’m fine.”